I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
