I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
May the power of my ass compel you!!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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