In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
