did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
