My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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