but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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