just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
