I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
My Sexting was not on an AP level
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
