I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
