got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
