Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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