I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
