Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
