Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
