My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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