my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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