I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Randomize
