New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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