Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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