Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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