not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
