Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
