he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You ruined the universe
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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