Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
