Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
