K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
