my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
