Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
