i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
