Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I supernannyed him into submission
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
