She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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