Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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