I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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