everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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