My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
third nipple confirmed
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
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