Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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