Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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