Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
