I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
