Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
