I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
