I can text with my tongue
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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