is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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