ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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