I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
