sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
