We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
