1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
