im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
