It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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